[20M] ThatSimpleDude's Diary. Road to Freedom. A better, happy life

24Aug
Monday
Day 0

I’m a 20 year old Indian male with a lot of dreams and all the motive and facilities, but stuck at an addiction.

9 years of addiction with 2 years of struggle and here I am, trying yet again to get an upperhand in self control.

I was first introduced to porn when I was 11 years old. My parents would buy me anything I’d ask them to. So at first, they bought me a gaming console, then a PSP, and then, a PC with a high speed internet connection.
I have spent my entire childhood playing videogames for hours and hours. Little did I know I was missing out on so much life, so much to learn and explore.
And as if videogames weren’t enough, some friends (that I regret making) showed me the way to porn. Those friends weren’t as privileged as I was at that time.
Smartphones didn’t exist, and all these kids used to walk into some internet café and binge on porn.
But I had my personal computer, my own internet connection in my own room. At that age, I regret making that ‘curious’ move.

Fast-forward to today, I’m a MBBS student with absolutely no talent, no skill whatsoever. While most of my peers are good at atleast something.
There’s not a single sport that I can play, I’m in a bad shape and mentally weak. I don’t know how to play an instrument, and I really really want to learn to play the piano.
I don’t have any general knowledge of the world and have a weak attitude towards all subjects, geography, politics, news, science and everything else. I just don’t fit in anywhere.
I regret having lived my whole life in the shadows, having a total low profile. I could brush that off by saying I’m an ‘introvert’. But I don’t believe in such titles.
I wear huge glasses, still play videogames now and then, own a gaming laptop which I really want to throw out the window.
Gaming and porn has become a parasite in me.
My parents still buy me whatever I ask for, and I wish they hadn’t been so generous to me.

I have been using the forum since a year, and once had a streak of more than 120 days, and relapsed one day when I was off-guard.
I haven’t used the forum since, and I have seen that I just can’t make it even beyond a month by myself, no matter how hard I try.
It’s just impractical.
Willpower is just isn’t enough to overcome this addiction.

This Covid situation has got me to my worst conditon ever. I was never this unproductive, sluggish and lethargic, never this low.
Porn and videogames are really killing me. They’re slowly away taking all life from me. I got into a beautiful relationship with this amazing girl while I was on my last streak of 120 days. I don’t want to lose her. She’s all I’ve got. I just can’t imagine my life without her.
I have dreams, ambitions and all life ahead of me to make the best of it. I cannot let these addictions ruin more of the only life I’ve got.

You’ve got one life, and it’s ending, one day at a time. So make the best of it before it’s too late.

I’ll be starting a journal here and write about my days, my story and everything in general every single day of my streak. Till I hit day 1000.
And I’m happily going to say that today is going to be the last day 0 of my life.
I’m going for a streak to quit both porn and videogames at the same time. And I’m doing Nofap so I could live life like a normal human being again. Work my way up the ladder of self improvement and all the challenges of life. Live happily and with all freedom and discipline.
I don’t believe in ‘superpowers’. I don’t know why but a big part of the Nofap community is into that. I’m just aiming for the start of a better life, and Nofap is that start.

21st May 2023 is when I’ll hit day 1000 and that day is going to be the best day of my life.

Watching porn disgusts me. But I just couldn’t stop it. It feels like I’m cheating on my girlfriend, family and myself too. Even after knowing every dark secret of that industry, even after knowing what I consume is going to fill me with all the shame in the world I yet go back there again.
Not anymore. Never again. I’ve had enough.
No more fake promises,
no more low value stimulations, time to breathe again.

This addiction ruins all life, and the fact that it’s so common horrifies me. I haven’t met a single guy who’s not a porn addict. This is worse than even drug addictions I believe.
I’m frightened to even think about what impact this addiction will have on the world, when it does so much damage to just one individual, and is spreading at such a humongous rate.

Anybody who’s reading this and is interested can feel free to journal here along with me and join me in this journey to freedom.
I’m making an open platform, and everything is encouraged.
I will now journal everyday from tomorrow. Excited to see how this forum grows with each day and gets better.

Looking forward to make great friends here.
Hope you have a great day!

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I would be watching your diary.
You are going to successed.

3 Likes

25Aug
Day 1
Tuesday

It’s about 2PM right now and it’s a good start.
I woke up at around 8AM and even though I’m a lot unproductive in this Covid situation, I did make some efforts this morning.
Spent a lot of time on the phone texting. And I suddenly have this urge to buy a new phone because the current one is malfunctioning to the brim.
Then on second thought, I feel it’s better to just wait and reward myself a new, expensive flagship phone once I complete my Nofap journey and reach day 1000. That way I’ll deserve it. Why buy a new phone only to relapse in it?

I meditated, walked a little, listened to a podcast and also cleaned by bathroom (not too good, but looks okay). The key to Nofap is to stay mindful and push yourself beyond your comfort zone to as much productivity as possible. Then you soon start resting in motion and kicking butt all the way!
That’s what I’ve learnt from the last 120 day streak.
So trying to move as much as possible in discomfort to build up resilience.

I’m about to help my parents in some cooking, we’re making chicken after so long. Excited for that!

I’ve also given up on all streaming activites… YouTube and Netflix, to be more productive and not go down the spiral of sluggishness again.
Also they can give me unexpected triggers out of nowhere. Better to just avoid them and build some headspace.

Let’s see for how long and how much I’m able to avoid them. I’ll put all efforts here.

Planning to study for an hour (as a start) and also spending 30 minutes to learn the piano. I’ll edit the post once I’m done.

Good day!


Our comfort zone, it’s actually a zone, like a circle.
It’s where all the nice, easy and ofcourse comfortable behaviours and things are.

The criteria of considering anything to be inside the comfort zone is, that the action should be-
Easy,
Fun, &
Pleasurable.

Anything not all 3, does not lie in the circle. And depending on how difficult it is, it’s distance from the circle.
The most comfortable and the most pleasurable lie at the exact centre of the circle, including porn, masturbation as the top 2 agents.

There is a spectrum of activities, so some things lie away from the centre but still inside the circle, and some need not fulfill all the three criteria’s.
Like, walking, music, meditation, reading fiction.

Then there are activities that do not lie in the circle. Like running, swimming, studying and anything else that doesn’t fit the criteria. Depends on the individual.

There are many, MANY difficult and tough activities that we miss out on life. Which make us stronger, give us more learning and experience and make our life better. Depending on the difficulty, their distance from the circle.

The comfort zone always tends to shrink. That’s the nature of a human being. To live the most comfortable life, for Survival. That would have helped the ape-man live a good life, but not in such advanced times. Not to the modern man.
So we tend to go for the activities closer to the center. More fun, more pleasure, less effort!
And that creates a spiral that makes us wanting for more and more and finally bring us to the centre, and we relapse.
But we also have the rational mind, which doesn’t see the comfort zone at all.
It tells you what is right, and what makes sense. What helps you grow and what kills us. Instead of what’s more comfortable. That’s what separates us from all animals, the ability to think, analyse, classify and make a decision.

But the primal side always takes over the rational side. Because it’s stronger & aggressive.

So how do we get out of the circle?
How do we control that primal brain?
Simple answer, we don’t.

We shouldn’t try to control the primal brain. Instead treat it with love and compassion, a mindful negotiation. That’s why mindfulness is key.

And we shouldn’t aim to get out of the circle. Instead give the circle pain and time to grow in size.

Do not shoot for a straight thrust out of the circle, the primal side of the brain is something you shouldn’t challenge or fight with head on. You control it with compassion, not aggression.

Instead, spiral out of it. Like a satellite revolving around the earth and going a little bit far with every complete turn around. Little by little, until you touch the edge of the circle. The edge where all comfort ends and discomfort begins.

Time is an important factor here. The more time you give the better.
Once you move out of your comfort zone, it’s starts to suck you back in like a black hole.
You’re constantly in it’s gravity. The urges, distraction and the promises of feeling good make you want to rationalize and make an excuse for why comfort is the best thing for you in the moment.
And also the dislike for discomfort makes you not want to step on it. Or move forward. You’ll have a tough and confused time.

In the end you just jump back into the circle. Back to that cocoon to stay warm.
And again, it tends to spiral you down to the center.

The edge is where everything matters, your action counts. No matter how much you try to rationalize comfort as good for you, you yourself deep within know it isn’t. So instead of trying to fight the primal side, it’s better to just ignore it, and invest in mindfulness to strengthen the rational side. Soon the primal side will come in terms with us. Not after losing a fight, but after agreeing with the mindful negotiation.

Take action and hold on. Hold on for as long as time exists.
Time again, I’ll mention here, is very important.

The more time you spend at the edge of comfort and in discomfort, the circle starts growing. With time, it comes to your terms and it keeps growing everytime you move away from the circumference, little by little, with every spiral.

You need to be consistent, mindful and patient. Just stop thinking too much and stay at the edge.
The comfort zone needs a lot of time to grow, and soon even the most uncomfortable and painful of activities break into comfort. All you have to do is keep spiralling out of the circle. And you then keep growing, indefinitely, with time.

You’re not going to die of discomfort right? It’s easier said then done, but what choice do we even have? Its either the center or the perimeter.

The more you move towards the center, the more the comfort zone shrinks.
The more you move outwards, the more the comfort zone expands.

So it’s convenient to say,
Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone

Keep pushing, little by little, and with time, you’ll have one big circle.
Time and action is all you need. And whoever is reading this, I know you’ll make it.
It’s just a matter of a little pain. And Mindfulness.

I’m going to make it to 21st May 2023!

3 Likes

26Aug
Day 2
Wednesday

All good. Today was weird.
It’s about 10PM as I write this.
I woke up at around 9:30 this morning, and I’ve been unproductive the entire day. Mom had just been back from a night shift, so I had to take care of the house while she was resting, with dad out for work.
I texted a friend and we planned to team up and study together. At least that way I’d start gaining momentum on studies I thought.
But what happened next was that we ended up talking about ‘anki’ and this flashcard method of studying and how we could use it in favour which lead to an entire new topic where I started ranting about this one guy at college.

From the ranting it shifted to complaining and all I was doing was what they call ‘bitching’ and talking about me, me and me. I have no idea how she could hold up and listen to me. We spoke for like 2 hours. I mean, I spoke.
I feel bad to have been eating her head all the time. And I regret sharing all those things about me to her. My personal opinions and everything else. She’s not that much a good friend. And I shouldn’t be talking about myself and opening up to anybody just like that. It’s toxic.
Nevermind. I’ll really need to have a filter between my brain and mouth.

I felt ‘bad’ after having that weird conversation and ended up being unproductive the whole time.
Spent the entire day watching markiplier and mrbeast videos on YouTube. Talk about productivity!
I was watching a random ‘top 10 scary sightings’ video when my mom said that we should go for a walk.

The walk in the greenery was great, nature is simply beautiful! and I called up another friend and had a nice (way better than that) conversation.

I really shouldn’t be vulnerable to other people. Or share my personal feelings, or experiences. I don’t know, it’s become a sort of habit.

Then back home, had dinner, and some more YouTube.
My girlfriend was quite sad as one of her dad’s friend recently passed away due to Covid.
I played her a little clumsy piano on video call and tried to lift her mood up. It worked! Made her smile. :blush:

Had some nice chicken for dinner. It was yesterday’s though, but still as delicious!

Yesterday had been quite the same too. More YouTube.
It’s become like a coping mechanism to all stresses and also a way to escape overthinking. I really need to stop this streaming before it becomes a bigger problem. I’m risking myself to potential triggers out there.

Tomorrow’s going to be highly productive! I’m going to make that happen. I’ll wake up at 4AM and let you guys know. Hope you all are doing well too. Good day!


Most of our actions are driven by 2 components:
Desire and
Fear

Any action, you name it, there’s either or both of these elements linked to it.

Everything we do, be it as simple as doing laundry, studying for an exam, or even watching porn, it is because of a desire, or fear.

Let’s study desire here.
It is the WANT. The want for a reward.
It can be either instant desire, like the one that makes me watch YouTube, or a delayed desire, which benefits us in the bigger picture.
Desire that comes with a reward, a gratification.

The reward, most of the times, is pleasure. But it’s also satisfaction, or motivation.
That’s why we are using the forum. We are strengthening this delayed desire to get over the addiction.

It’s desire that makes us chase our dreams, work hard, achieve milestones, make career, and it’s also desire that makes us follow the path of self-destruction, indulge into addictions, and also avoid hardships.

Then we have fear.
This is a very broad term. But most commonly fear drives us to work. More so when there’s a deadline.
That assignment that’s due, that homework, exam or rent. Every activity with a deadline drives us to action.
Fear doesn’t help much in activities without a deadline. Like there’s no deadline to Nofap, that’s why we don’t have the drive to put more efforts, and that’s why we focus more on desire.
Fear also makes you not work. It’s when you fear failure so much that you don’t even want to try.
It’s also when you fear pain, or fear putting in effort.

Fear is unreliable, because it keeps changing.
But is very useful when it’s connected to an emotional relation. When you fear losing a relation or not hurting someone you love, you’re automatically driven to work. Or if you fear disappointing someone who you want to impress, you get grinding.

But when you remove desire and fear,
Nothing.
You’re just a body with no purpose.

But, there might be another way. Is there?
Yes.

It’s discipline.
It’s also alternated with ‘mindfulness’, or ‘courage’.
You can also call it ‘wisdom’

Discipline is doing things only because you know you have to. It doesn’t matter if you want to or not. It doesn’t matter if you have a fear associated.
You do it. You just do. Just move.
No excuses, no reasons.

And how do you build discipline? Through consistent action ofcourse, and a little mindfulness practice, like meditation & journaling.

The only way you get more discipline is by doing things that require discipline.

That’s the only way. No hacks, no tricks around it.
You start moving, without expectations, and you’ll gain momentum before you even know it.

Habits are the only things closest to be considered as a hack to build discipline.
But the most important thing about a habit is consistency. You do it, no matter what. Not a single day can go compromised.
It takes 66 days to build a habit, and after that it gets hard not to do it.

Discipline=freedom

And the more freedom you have with your mind, the happier you’re in life.
Freedom is not about breaking the rules, it’s about having the strength to follow the rules and still be at ease!

You’re at peace, at rest in motion, no matter how worse the pain. It doesn’t bother you at all. You’re at ease. You’re calm, and most importantly without expectations. Without a need for a reward and without worry of any fear. Simply Happy! That’s the best way to live a life. And that’s possible. One decision at a time, one day at a time.

I’m going to make it to 21st May 2023!

4 Likes

That’s the plan. Thank you buddy. This post was so wholesome. This forum educates like anything…!

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Yup! That’s the plan. :wink:
Glad you liked it!
That’s the most beautiful thing about writing I feel, words have an impact directly on the soul!

Thank you for sparing your time just to read me out. It keeps me happy and encouraged to continue forward on my streak. Your appreciation means a lot. :heart:

Could you DM me your sharing code? It’d be my pleasure to be friends with you and walk the journey together. :innocent:

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