[20 M] Jonas's Diary

Hi Companions!

I’m going to follow the “Power over Pornography”-program for 6 weeks to become free from pornography and masturbation. (Download here: https://1lib.ch/s/power%20over%20pornography if you want to follow along)

I know this program works (I already did 50 days without PM) but I did not follow through completely.

I’ll write each two or three days into this forum, making the exercises and my commitment public.

COMMITMENT:

  1. Am I willing to finish this program as outlined as long as I don’t have any serious philosophical differences with it?
    YES!
  2. Am I willing to trust the teacher?
    YES! (Completely, it’s the best program out there)
  3. Am I willing to focus on the outcome?
    YES! (I wanted to post a post where I wallow in my selfpitiness, but I’m not going to share the stupid stuff I did in my past here. Let’s look forward!!!)
  4. Am I willing to forego urgent but less important activities to make this a priority?
    YES! (I don’t want to be one of these guys telling young guys: “Oh…, I wished I started this age… my life is ruined but you still have a chance…” I need to get this handled NOW.)

Signature:
Goddamn it I said yes, and I mean YES!

Btw. I’m going to refer to “watching pornography” as “viewing” and to “masturbating” as “doing”. The life without viewing and doing is called the “loving life”. Don’t question it, it’s just how the program works, and who doesn’t wish he would not have to use the word “Porn” ever again?!?!

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  • If you don’t believe the outcome is worth the effort, then your commitment will not be sufficient to finish the program
  • Be clear about the consequences that viewing will cause!
  • The reptilian brain reacts HOW WE TRAINED IT TO REACT TO STIMULUS!

HOMEWORK:
List of five most negative consequences for me:

  • Waste of time
  • sleeplessness, tired even after 8h+ of sleeping
  • secret/shame
  • obsession with young/good looking girls

List of positive consequences of living the loving life:

  • Don’t need that much sleep, well rested during the day
  • Less digital devices
  • business and autonomy, freedom
  • Determination and Focus

If you think these reasons sound not emotional enough, as if I really wouldn’t care u are completely right. I am devoid of most emotions which will make it very difficult for me too choose longterm gratification over shortterm one. Nonetheless I am commited to get rid of viewing and doing: I don’t want it in my life… (The problem is to know what I WANT in my life…)

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Lessons:

  • Focus on the positive consequences, load them with emotions, make them clear! Also this will help you get rid of victim language!

Homework:
I accidentaly made the homework last week (bc I know POP already).

I already feel the positive effects: I would immediately stand up after waking up, feeling well rested.
I still have problems about feeling emotional about positive or negative consequences, feeling quite indifferent about PMO at whole.
But when I imagine myself five years from now, still viewing and doing I somehow find this impossible. I cannot imagine this having a nice end, it doesn’t feel right.
When I imagine myself without porn (which I cannot really, bc it’s so much part of my identity) I at least see the option to live a free life, to improve, to be in control…

Another thought that occured myself is: Every favourite movie of mine has a sexuality in it: Huckabees, FIght Club, Revolver, Melancholia, Naked.
I’ll have to MAKE THIS A PRIORITY. Because if I watch one of those again it’s a relapse

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I’m already getting careless…
I should have posted yesterday, but now I’ll just do it today:

  • Take your five positive consequences (of not viewing and doing) and turn them into a vision-statement. It should be short, simple and emotional

Homework:
I honestly have problems with this part: I have no vision.
Yes, I’ll get better sleep (need less) without doing, but I’d like to sleep all my life if I could.
The only thing that somehow is somewhat of a vision is to imagine myself without having viewed or done since three years. To imagine that vs. what would happen if I continued viewing and doing feel very good. Not special or that I’d accomplish something extraordinary, but just normal and ok.
My vision: I live a life I chose to live and I just feel good :slight_smile:

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Learned:

  • stop feeling sorry for yourself
    (I am always telling myself how poor I am, living in a world where viewingmaterial exists and that noone explained me how dangerous it is before I watched it. Even though all of this is true, I am responsible now :))
  • expect and accept feeling unhappy, uncomfortable… It’s normal when changing
  • EVERYBODY (literally everybody!) experiences temptation and urges! So don’t be judgmental to yourself and others! (Temptations are not bad, no need to feel guilty or shameful!)
  • disconnect the urge and temptation with the viewing or doing itself!
  • Temptation is not the source of shame, the action we take after experiencing it is the source!
  • Don’t avoid or resist temptation! Tell yourself: I want to view and do. Acknowledge and accept it (Immediately)! Deal with it on a conscious level, not subconsciously as you always did before!

HOMEWORK:

  • Write Vision:
    I want to be in control of my live. Living free and selfdetermined.
    I choose the loving life over doing because I feel more alive than if I would do. Doing is not worth the short high
  • Acknowledge temptation and accept it as normal!

OK - after having letting slipped it for 2 days I’m back to the program. I know I should make it a higher priority but I felt I had to work on my business…

Day 13 btw…

Learned:

  • Don’t give power to the temptation by telling yourself that you must not give into it! (U’ll rebell)
  • You always, always, always have a choice!
  • When you tell yourself you must or have to do sth, laugh MuHa(haha) to recognize your lie!
  • Don’t feel sorry for urself (Big one for me, I feel sorry for myself ALL the fucking time!).
  • Only make the choice about NOW! you can still PMO in the future. Or 5 minutes from now. (Otherwise you may feel deprived) JUST DON’T DO LONGTERM COMMITMENT. Your so used to it not to work, so only choose for NOW!
  • The choice is not about viewing or not viewing - but about choosing the positive consequences!!

Homework:

  • catch yourself saying must or have to and replace it with I choose to!
  • I choose for right now only!
  • When I choose, I choose my vision and it’s consequences!!

Day 14 :slight_smile:

Learned:

  • I am not only choosing actions, but also CONSEQUENCES!
  • AACV:
    • acknowledge (the temptation)
    • accept (it’s normal) ← this one’s hard. Don’t feel shame or guilt for your temptations. They are normal and come to everybody (as fucked up as they are…)
    • choose (but I can choose)
    • Vision (and I choose my vision!)

EG: I want to view and do. This is completely normal and expected. I can choose freely, so I choose to BE free and live a loving life!

Homework:

  1. catch yourself when saying “I must” “have to” and replace it with “I choose to”
  2. practice aacv!

Some sidenotes:
I was avoiding to choose consciously about this situation, but I have to - since I’m going to work in a supermarket in the next few weeks:
What do I choose to do when spotting an attractive girl??
Negative about staring in this situation is:

  • I used pictures (also or even escpecially of clothed girls) to jack off. Staring at girls might trigger this fetish.
  • I want to (choose to) stop to sexually objectify women (I don’t know, but up to now nopmo made this stronger, not weaker)
  • It is probably not pleasing for the girl. And neither for me. I may get ashamed when acting on my temptation (escpeciall if the girl is way to young for me).

Conclusion:
Acknowledge & accept: I want to look at girls, they are beautiful and I want to get to know them. And that’s totally ok and normal. I have the power of choice and I choose, for this moment only:
Choose & Vision: However I choose to not stare at them (because this would be like P i watched, and because it might not be nice for her. if anything go talk to them!). (vision: I want to get to know girls and be able to not see them into sexual cloudiness. I want to see their personality and be able to not objectify them)

I’m sorry if you don’t get why this next choice and it’s consequences are important (nobody is going to read this here anyways), but:
Am I going to have sex with a beautiful girl if she asks me to?
Let me explain: My sister has a friend. I’d fck her immediately if she wanted me to. In fact many girls could be a complete shitty personality, they could smoke, take drugs, be stupid. But if they would undress themselves and ask me to have sex I’d say yes.
This is very important to clarify, since I think I’m way to obsessed with sex. I believe it to be something absolutely mindblowing, something that shouldn’t be missed when having the opportunity. This might have to do sth with social conditioning, aswell as with PM. I once had a date with a girl, and I’d know this wouldn’t work out. Still I kissed her. And after I told her that I don’t see any future together I’d be angry at myself to not have taken this “opportunity to fck a girl”. Which is scary and amazing at the same time.
Observations:

  • Sex isn’t actually that amazing (I had sex with a prostitute at age 19. Quite a disappointement)
  • There is a difference between love and lust (and I know that to be true).
  • I might get myself into legal conflicts by having sex
  • I want to know her and have trust in her.
  • I want to be able to see in her eyes again and not be ashamed of it afterwards!
  • I want to be able to talk openly about sex and my PM-Problems, so that it would be possible to still do semen retention and not revert back to compulsive behavior again!
    Conclusion:
    A & A: I want to have sex with hot girls and this is a normal temptation and therefore completely ok. I accept this as normal and choose the following, only for this moment without feeling deprived:
    C&V: I choose to get to know her deeply first, be able to trust her and make sure we both know what we want. Also I want to be sure that we’re both ok with it and there are no negative consequences!

I feel very clouded (exitement, arousal) and tempted right now, because of going through this situations. I am might revisit them in a more calm and rational manner, to really get aware of the consequences of my actions.

I feel this to be important for succeeding. I need to rebalance my life, and find a purpose for my life which is not sex or girls or PM.

I today wrote an exhaustive text about my addiction and perversions. I was very cloudy, since I have no specific or strong vision. I got weirdly aroused by writing about my thoughts and temptations. But they all lead to the same thing: To be doing, either infront of a computer screen or while fantasizing. So I didn’t do or view.
I thought of a tip from @premds today. Have your vision always outside of your comfortzone. I’ll think of some things on how to leave it!

Comfortzone leaving:

  • talk to a girl instead of staring at her
  • learn both handsprings (front and back handspring)
  • telling someone about my addiction. I’m not sure if thats a good idea though (I did it once which led me to lie even worse).

Learned:

  • SAD (Stress, Anxiety, Discomfort) are indicators of change and a sign of you leaving your comfort zone
  • Trying to avoid them by Viewing and Doing will lead to not experiencing them fully and therefore them staying

Homework:

  • Embrace SAD. Say: I feel SAD. I’m ok with it cause I’m growing my comfortzone on the way to living a loving life.

Reminder:

  • Choice is temporary. I’m wasting so much time thinking about how it is to never ever watch porn again and how deprived I am. But NO: I am not, I can choose to watch Porn, whenever I want to. No need to commit forever, no responsibility, no duty. quite how I like it :smiley:
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Ok. The last two days were ups and downs.
What I have to accept, is that there are true arguments for watching porn, e.g.:

  • Nothing matters so I can watch porn.
  • If I watch porn I don’t feel the need to interact with women. (<- This sounded good to me somehow)

These arguments are true. With “nothing matters” you can rationalize doing literally anything. But I missed to see SAD behind this thought. I took them seriously, I was pondering over them and nearly relapsed. But I was only afraid. Afraid of who I am without porn, of living without any aim, of confronting myself with the “real” world, with real women, which are only human beings.

Learned:

  • To View and Do the first time was A CHOICE! And I might not have known all the consequences, but what I certainly knew was, that it is bad. So let’s be responsible for that choices that I did since I’m 12.
  • SAPS, the power-takers, the paths to failure! (Supress, Avoid, Protect, Substitute)
  • Triggers are UNAVOIDABLE!

Don’t only substitute AACV with V&D. Really deal with the temptation and choose consciously!

I think your vision is not as author told to make.

-benefits of your vision must be directly to yours not others.
-Vision must paint picture in your mind .

I also suggest you to start yoga and meditation of 10-15 min daily.
And if you have time, you can read another book
’ EASYPEASY '(it will help you to explore more about scientific ways to get rid of porn). BUT you must follow only one book POP.

I am giving you some examples of visions, you can make yours by referring them.

“I connect to my own feelings better. I connect well with my spouse (future spouse), with God and with others. I feel love and joy as well as sorrow and healthy guilt when appropriate.”

to feel emotions to their fullest, when I’m listening to music, reading a story, thinking about people in my life, seeing creations and even hearing or thinking beautiful ideas.”

to feel the full extent of love, adoration and respect that’s possible towards my partner and to grow more in all aspects of my life. My spouse (future spouse) will feel fortunate that he/she is with me.”

happiness and spiritual connection. I expect challenges and expect to overcome them and that they’ll teach me valuable lessons as they expand my comfort zone.”

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Homework (I’m getting lazy. Should have done that two days ago :/):

  • Remind yourself of the consequences:
    Negative:
    • Sleeplessness
    • Waste of time
    • secret/shame/guilt
    • obsession with young/good looking girls
      Positive:
    • Feeling like a child: feeling of unknown, adventure and curiosity. (thx @Rab_J for reminding me of this positive consequence!)
    • Not needing that much sleep
    • autonomy and freedom
    • determination and focus

I’m feeling quite good reading those consequences list. Even though I don’t feel all to emotional, i can tell I made “progress”. I’m not feeling any attraction to jeans or skirts anymore. I still look after butts, but it’s more like an habit which seems more and more ridiculous to me (and I choose to not do it, if I catch myself doing it).

  • Write down the way u’ve used SAPS to avoid dealing with urges:
    • S: I suppressed a lot of temptations! I was scared to face them in their full bleak and darkness. I’d often to prefer giving into temptation immediately than just accepting them as what they are: Thoughts, normal and nothing bad. Not scary, no matter how “dark” they are…
    • A: Avoid by working out, cold showers, Studying, Meditation
    • P: I’ve used every filter out there. stupid idea…
    • S: Pick Up. Walking behind girls and then approaching them (not that creepy as it sounds, but still:). This was very bad for my psychology!!!
  • Use choose instead of must! (I’m trying to, but the Muhaha laugh doesn’t work in my language. But I’m catching myself more often each day)
  • Write your vision. Modify if necessary. (I rewrote it as @premds suggested, thx for your help!)

I am free and determined, like a child exploring the unknown, being full of authenticity, honesty and curiosity, allowing me to connect with not only other persons, but also a future gf.

Thanks for taking the time! (congrats for reaching “Guru” :slight_smile:

I’ve read Easypeasy, but it wasn’t particuallary rememberable and I hated how he said “just keep on viewing and doing” in the beginning…

I want my vision to be realistic, bc the last time I felt actually deprived, bc I wasn’t getting any benefits I had in my vision on day 53 (+ I used protection, which was the biggest mistake!)

My vision up till now was:
I want to be in control of my live. Living free and selfdetermined.
I choose the loving life over doing because I feel more alive than if I would do. Doing is not worth the short high

It’s very rational, doesn’t invoke any pictures in my head. I’m not a very happy guy, nor do I try to be. So I thought this vision is good enough. But I had some moments were my “vision” got cloudy, so I’m tried to adapt your suggestion, why making the vision still very realistically and down to earth:

I am free and determined, like a child exploring the unknown, being full of authenticity, honesty and curiosity, allowing me to connect with not only other persons, but also a future gf.

I think this contains everything important to me: Freedom, selfdetermination and honesty. Also I like the idea of having a gf which I’d not see through sexual cloudiness and horniness anymore, but with an authentic connection without guilt and shame.

Short version of my vision:
I am free and determined, like a child exploring the unknown, an expression of authenticity, honesty and curiosity, allowing me to connect with girls.

Thank you so much!

Learned:

  • relief doesn’t equal happiness!
  • the relief comes at a price (negative consequences) which is not worth paying!
  • I defined myself as an viewer, so changing it might let me feel deprived. Instead I’ll have to choose each time I feel temptation and slowly change my identity into the one of a non-viewer.
  • It’s not about self-discipline, but about freedom of choice!
  • choose one instance at a time
  • when feeling denied or deprieved, tell yourself you can choose to view or do anytime you want to!

Homework:

  • find pictures to help to make your vision more real!
  • Write down top reasons why watching porn & why they are lies:
    • It just feels good (it doesn’t even feel that much better than stretching or meditating. I think this is not an valid excuse, considering the negative consequences!)
    • It makes me forget myself (definitely true, but it is a negative spiral: it’s adding more to what I need to forget. )
  • Write down the feelings you have before watching P and how they are changed:
    • Hopelessness: I feel even more hopeless about my life after viewing and doing. I feel ok with being hopeless after doing. That’s not very good…
    • Sadness: Doesn’t change by viewing. Just stays. I guess I don’t let myself experience it to much by viewing and doing.
  • I’m choosing for this instance only. I always have the right to choose differently

Realization:
Often Viewing and Doing doesn’t lead to more of those emotions (hopelessness, sadness, anger) but just gives me a way not to deal with them. This may lead to an increase afterwards…

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This vision is perfect…

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Very hyped, bc todays Chapter is “Repairing the Damage to Yourself”!

But first I’ve to tell something: I was out yesterday, with some guys I knew from school and after playing table-tennis, we’d eat and just walk around. Then there were this drunk girls, which just started talking with one of us, and my friends decided to hang out with them. I had an very hard time, I’d always stare at them and had flashbacks from the P I had watched for long! I know I can always choose, but the only reasonable choice 'd be to leave and my friends didn’t.
I guess some guys here would say it’s progress to be horny as hell, but for me this was not very cool. At least I choose to not view and do, even though the pressure made it difficult to sleep.

Learned:

  • Everybody who started viewing has some damage in their self-esteem and confidence (and also capacity to love!)
  • Also the cycle of trying to stop and then relapse will lead to the viewer seeing himself as a failure

Affirmations:

  • I like myself
  • I am free to choose at all times
  • I forgive myself
  • I am allowing myself to live a loving life!
  • I am worthy of love
  • I am okay :slight_smile:
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Holy shit: Yesterday in the evening I felt so much of SAD, It was to much. I tried using the AACV process, but my vision felt like a lie, without any emotions, just a sentence without meaning.
I wanted to view and do. Why would I deprive myself of doing so?, I thought.
I reminded myself of it being a choice, which led to me researching negative aspects of NoFap and positive aspects of doing.
There were people saying “moderation is the key” or “doing is good, viewing is not” etc.
I choose not to view this evening, since I was feeling very low and I wasn’t able to form a good decision.
The truth is, I have nothing to do anymore. I don’t know what to do instead of viewing and doing. I’m maybe going to get a job tomorrow, but still, there stays this question: What the hell is my life about?!
In this light, the negative consequences of viewing and doing don’t seem that bad at all and the positives are cool, but not necessarely needed.
Negative:

  • Sleeplessness (Feeling sleeplessness right now too :/)
  • Waste of time (Somebody counted how much time I spend on this forum now instead?)
  • secret/shame/guilt (<- This is a goddamn good reason. But now I am ashamed when I am dribbling sperm just bc I see a mildly attractive girl)
  • obsession with young/good looking girls (Got healthier, but still, I am so damned massively horny and this was better when I’d view and do. I wouldn’t get that horny. But still, valid argument)
    Positive:
  • Feeling like a child: feeling of unknown, adventure and curiosity. (I feel so, but I don’t know where the adventure will lead me. And I don’t feel very curious etc. at all)
  • Not needing that much sleep (atm, I sleep exactly as much as always)
  • autonomy and freedom (What does this have to do with Viewing and Doing?!)
  • determination and focus (I can focus way less, because I always have these urges. Damn It)

Learned:

  • The sense of intimacy viewing and doing gave you was completely false (a lie).
    (This chapter was about repairing relationships. Since I’m single this chapter wasn’t very informative)
  • mimic temptations to practice at least 2 or 3 times a day (if you don’t have that many natural temptations)

How did it affect my family, though?! I think it made me more isolated and less interested in my family. Also I know my parents are very anti-porn, as I only got to knew after I’ve told them about having been a viewer (why didn’t they tell me before, godamnit?!)

Homework:
Negative:

  • Being careless
  • Waste time
  • guilt and shame, obsessive with young looking girls
  • Lies. Viewing is lying to yourself.
    Positive:
  • Feeling alive, wether SAD or loving life. Like a little boy, exploring the unknown.
  • Curiosity, Authenticity and Honesty
  • Connection with a future gf.
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Respect man, i enjoyed reading this.
Keep going bro :slight_smile:

About, what my life is about, we all have this question , and we’re living chasing that answer .
I’m here to enjoy life , and keep fighting to get better, and help others , serve them ,help get better :slight_smile:

U’re living for what makes you happy, truely happy.

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