[20 M] Chr1s' Diary

Never really thought of starting a diary but it might be good to write my thoughts down every now and then so I’ll give it a go. I’m a 20 y/o male from The Netherlands trying to fix this destructive habit. I’ve been on and off nofap during the last few years but now I’m really determined to make it work. Used to watch porn twice a day, maybe even more during stressful periods. But I’ve been clean for quite some while now, so I’m making progress!

DAY 45

I’m starting to notice that I don’t see women as sexual objects like I used to see them when I PMO’d a lot. I’m not sure whether this is a flatline or whether my view on women is legitimately changing. Obviously I’m hoping it’s the latter :innocent:. Also have been meditating every day for a week now, that’s a PR too. Meditating itself hasn’t been going too well though, I find it hard to sit comfortable for even a short period of time (10 minutes) and my back starts to slouch and hurt very quickly. Have to read more upon this and possibly buy a meditation cushion. Even when I find myself being comfortable, it’s hard to concentrate on my breath and to quietly observe my thoughts without judging them.

I also should start going to the gym more often with a detailed plan, but I’m working on this. And I still watch too much youtube: every time I feel uncomfortable during studying I binge watch them… But I’m confident I can cut down on my youtube time severely. Maybe I should keep track of my youtube time, awareness is a good first step.

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DAY 47

I went to the spa yesterday with my gf. I feared that all those naked bodies would be triggering but it was actually really refreshing, seeing all those real bodies. I obviously forgot for a moment that most people don’t have pornstar bodies (definitely not older people).

I’m tired af today, drank some alcohol (3 glasses of wine) at a birthday party and became pretty sleepy because of it. But I see this as a good thing: back in the day I wouldn’t have felt much, but I drink less and less alcohol these days so every glass I drink hits harder (no tolerance). Yay for living more healthy!

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DAY 49

Today was such a shitshow… I’ve had and still have incredible urges to watch porn. I just want to watch it so bad, releasing the tension of having a shitty day. Deep down I know that it will only make my day 10x worse, so I’m trying to stay strong. I know exactly where it went wrong today.

  1. I’m tired from not sleeping well tonight.

  2. I’ve had sex with my gf exactly once in a 30-day span, even though I see her like 3 times a week. Things are sort of okay between us, but I guess she’s still mad about me watching so much porn. I can’t really blame her, but seeing her so often and having so little intimacy can be too much for me sometimes. For fuck’s sake, normally I can handle this pretty well but not today.

  3. I’ve been balding since I was 16 y/o. I take medication for this and all is well, but today I got reminded of my hair loss through a certain trigger. I know it sounds superficial and self-minded, but hair loss was probably the BIGGEST cause of depression/self reclusion/etc during my teens (all comes down to self esteem problems in the end). I do NOT want to be reminded of my hair loss in any way, it instantly reminds me of those countless nights spended worrying, searching for future treatments, looking for acceptation (whether girls find bald guys attractive) etc.

Even though I’m on medication now and it seems to work well, I’m not sure for how long it will continue to work and whether it will be good for my health to take this medication for the rest of my life. At moments like these, all the stress from back in the day comes right back to the surface.

You can probably guess what my go-to coping mechanism is for this all: PMO. I didn’t do it (yet) today, so that’s good I guess. But I did play video games mindlessly all day instead of studying for an upcoming exam. I still haven’t figured out how I can effectively turn a bad day around into something productive instead of turning to all these instantly gratifying activities (YT, gaming, social media).

Best thing to do now is to do some chores, quickly revise some work for my exam and go to bed early. What I sometimes do at moments like these, is jot all my worrying thoughts down on paper so I can ‘forget’ them: since they’re on paper, I can remind myself of stuff to do by just looking at that list. Usually works pretty good.

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DAY 50

Just realised that I started this diary exactly half way on my full reboot (90 days). I hope to see my counter reach 90 this very streak!

Today was a pretty good day. I studied a lot for exams and didn’t waste a lot of time in general. My meditation session this morning was also really good: sometimes I just seem to hit that ‘sweet spot’ better/longer than during other sessions. The calmth I experienced in the first few hours after meditating was quite amazing. My focus was good and my whole body felt relaxed. This seems to subside during the day though. I was still able to keep my focus when it was late afternoon, but it didn’t feel the same.

I should probably monitor my feelings during the day a bit better. Meditating is just one piece of the puzzle: it calms your mind and can give you insights, but to be aware of yourself and your feelings you have to be mindful during the rest of the day. I’ll just stick to meditation for now though, one step at a time.

Does anyone have any tips for meditation by the way? I’m reading a book about the Vipassana technique which focusses mainly on getting insights, but I haven’t really got any yet. I can’t force them of course (quite the opposite) but I’ve got the feeling like I’ve been doing something wrong… Tips are greatly appreciated!

DAY 52

I’m 3 hours shy of day 53 but I’ll call it day 52 for now anyway. I just had the most amazing meditation session out of all sessions so far. I entered a state where I felt like I was floating and an internal bliss filled me up from inside. Even now I can still feel the afterglow throughout my body.

I’ve been meditating for 15 days now, only missing one day in this period. I think my sessions are slowly but surely improving a bit. I can sit for a longer time and I feel like I’m reaching deeper levels during my sessions. I’m not exactly sure HOW I’m improving this though, that might be a problem. Maybe I’m just getting better at watching my breath through practicing more often.

DAY 54

Bad day today. Had a mini-fight with my gf yesterday, some unresolved tensions came up (which still aren’t resolved btw). I’m still feeling pretty bad, sad and down about it.

Actually, my porn addiction was one of those tensions. She says it still hurts her that I was addicted to porn for all this time. She says she’s still insecure about herself since the day I told her (like 1.5 months ago). She can’t believe that I fapped so often, even on days where we did have sex. She even said that this would be a dealbreaker for her if we were in a relationship for, say, only 2 months (which I can understand).

I just don’t know how to feel. A part of me says that I never should have been so honest to her about this, but I don’t like lying to her. She says it feels like she didn’t know me all this time we had a relationship, which hurts a lot. I asked her if she thought whether the trust could come back, which she luckily did.

How could I have avoided this? I never saw pmo as a real problem up until recently. I thought I was doing the best I can to improve myself and our relationship regarding pmo, but I guess I have to accept that she’s going to be insecure and sad about this for quite some time. I think we’ve had sex once during those 1.5 months now, def a bad sign. I sometimes feel like our relationship is at the beginning of the end which scares me a lot. She has been my best friend for the last 2 years: she was there to celebrate the good moments with me and she was there to pull me through the bad moments.

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Keep up man you got this, its an addiction we all have to beat you are already doing that!

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DAY 55

Today was a good day considering the circumstances. Woke up early today, went to the gym before lectures, then to my 11am lecture and some more studying during the day. Could’ve been a lot more productive during the afternoon but oh well, slept like 4.5 hours tonight so had problems focussing.

Here’s to a good night of sleep and to feeling better tomorrow

If u watch porn , ur gf thinks those ladies on the videos are the one that u desire more than her.

And I can relate to all of your problems with mine, I tend to waste most of my time in social media specially YouTube., And I lost much of my hair in my teenage years. I am 21 now but gone are those days , we are matured now :grin:

keep sharing your experiences

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I know and I have told her that it’s a way of coping for me, not that I am not attracted to her. However, I’m not sure if she’s really getting my point (though I think she does), or if she doesn’t believe me (pretty likely) or if she does believe me but is still sad about it (also pretty likely).

I don’t care about having sex with hundreds of different women, which might be implied by my pmo history. I cared about getting to the easiest solutions of my problems. We sometimes talk about it, but not often. It’s a rather embarrassing topic for us both as well, so it’s not easy.

In all honesty, through this whole experience I’ve been starting to learn why some women consider watching porn as cheating. I used to think that was the dumbest thought ever, but now I actually see some truth in that.

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:confounded: It really hurts to hear that. I can understand that it is hard for a girl to understand our problem but I think that if someone is in a serious relationship, there shouldn’t be any secrets between the couple. That was one of the huge points my girlfriend was a bit mad at. Why I never told her and kept it a secret.
I think in the long term it is probably still better that you have told her. The time will come when she will understand what you went through.

I don’t know how you handle it but I would recommend to keep talking about it. About the reasons why you started and what your mind tries to escape from.
Also, your progress should be a pretty good sign for her. Not many people have the willpower to reach 56 days! Show her why you did that.
If you liked porn, if you liked what you see there, you would have never came that far. This is only possible by the determination that you don’t wanna see porn ever again.

I really hope that you can solve this with her
All the best, mate

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there shouldn’t be any secrets between the couple. That was one of the huge points my girlfriend was a bit mad at.

Yeah totally true…

You’re right in that I should keep trying to talk to her about it. She sometimes brings it up herself as well. She’s proud of me about my progress but she barely watches porn (maybe some softporn once every 2 months): a streak of 56 days becomes a lot less impressive in such a case.

If you liked porn, if you liked what you see there, you would have never came that far. This is only possible by the determination that you don’t wanna see porn ever again.

That’s also definitely true, I never ever want to see it again. My life is better without it. She will be reassured more once I hit higher streaks (say, 3-6 months)

Thanks for your reply mate. In the end, I think we will be fine if we keep talking about it and if I have more patience regarding the whole thing.

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DAY 58

Have been a bit tired yesterday and today, not sure why. Maybe I didn’t sleep enough (little less than 7 hours). I had a pretty good workout yesterday + I ate a shitload of healthy food (I’m trying to bulk) so that’s good.

I’ve been feeling a lot of urges the last couple of days, goes to show that you should watch out with porn even when you’re on a ~2 month streak. I just know that if I only peek at porn, I will masturbate 100%. I’ll most likely go on a sick binge as well, so better to avoid it altogether.

Funny how my mind starts to play tricks on me. I can still visualize some of the scenes from back in the day. Although they are slowly fading away and I feel less attracted to these images, my mind still runs these visualizations from time to time. As if it wants to say “Hey Chris, remember how nice it was to watch all this stuff?” Gtfo brain

60 DAYS

2 months completed. Mood is still all over the place though.

I’m feeling pretty lonely these days, gotta connect more with old friends and start looking for people with the same interests as me. Thing is, I’m not really passionate about anything in life right now.

NoFap itself is easy at the moment, aside from some urges. I think I can make it to 90 days.

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You said that your girl is watching some softporn every now and again.
Have you ever told her that this is even worse than what you are doing?
You are watching it because you are addicted and in need of a vent. But she deliberately looks at some other guy or gal.
I don’t think that she can condemn you for what you are doing…

I wouldn’t tell her that exactly like that but you could somehow ask her why she thinks that you mustn’t watch buy she can

Meh I can live with her watching it once every other month or so. Meanwhile, I’ve abused it pretty bad. Also, I don’t think she has watched porn recently or is going to watch it any time soon given the circumstances.

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DAY 62

Easter has passed and it’s time for exams, so I’ve got a few busy weeks coming up. My goals are to keep a good sleeping schedule, since this is usually the thing that goes wrong during stressful weeks. My sleeping habits have been slipping as of late but I know I have the discipline to stick to a bed time.

Regarding sex, I picked up a pretty good book about it called “The Married Man Sex Life Primer”. I’m not married ofc but I’ve been in this relationship for almost 2 years, so I can consider it serious enough for a book like this to be applicable.

It’s a very interesting read, although I don’t agree on everything with the author. He explains some interesting dynamics between males and females and explains them from a hormonal POV and a biological POV. He also gives some “tips” (read: lifestyle changes) to change your sex life for the better. I think I’m going to stick with this for a while. I can def recommend this book to al married guys or guys in a serious relationship put there!

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DAY 64

I drank too much yesterday, so I’m feeling like shit now. I don’t drink often but when I do, I always regret it the next day. I only drink in social situations and I just don’t have the strength to stop myself after a few. I know there are millions of others out here with the same problem and most people (especially adolescents) always joke about stuff like this but I hate it.

I might do an alcohol free month on top of nofap. I’ve been living caffeine free (well, almost) for about 2 months now and I don’t miss coffee one bit except for the social part (and the taste sometimes). I can only imagine alcohol will be the same.

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DAY 69 (hehe)

Same old same old, exams are going okay-ish except that I made some very dumb mistakes which are going to cost me a lot of points. I could’ve easily avoided this but I overlooked something (just pure bad luck tbh) and it agitates me massively. Feel like punching a brick wall /rant

Things are going steady nowadays, almost at 10 weeks already. I’m trying to get out of my shell more and create more opportunities with friends, but idk… I keep staying in the same thought processes, and keep being lazy/in my comfort zone. Most of the friends I don’t really speak to anymore have their own circles of friends now that do not really include me. It’s hard.

DAY 70

Made it, 10 weeks! I try not to get to attached to streaks (they’re just numbers after all), but it still feels good to make it. They can still motivate during hard times. Next up is 90 days!

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