[19 M] Kale’s Diary - Renascence

Day 1
It has been quite some time since I’ve used this app, nearly a year. I had hoped I would never need to do so again. My porn habits, while not spotless, were in a state of constant improvement, and I was feeling happy. I’d met a girl, and having someone who put faith and trust into me, who showed me affection, helped tremendously. While I was with her, my PMO habits flatlined, absolutely nothing whatsoever happened. I didn’t want to wrong her in any way by watching porn, so naturally, the other two things stopped without that.

But recently that girl left me, and I’ve been an absolute mess. Nevertheless, I’m not one to sit on my ass and cry about such things, and while I miss her wildly, I will not use this girl leaving me as an excuse to fall back down into the pit. And thus, I am back here with you fine folk, restarting a journey that I had thought to be finished quite some time ago.
This time, however, I am going to go about it a bit differently.

Below is a list of the things that I WILL accomplish on this fresh start:

  • Denounce and completely halt ALL PMO permanently
  • Find out who I really am, not who I think I am under others’ influence
  • Gain some self-respect and esteem
  • Become emotionally independent

More shall be added to the list as I progress, but these are the main objectives.
I will not fall again.

I cannot afford to.
-Kale

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Day 2
I relapsed in the morning, as soon as I woke up, which has been the pattern for the last 2 weeks. However, I improved in that I pushed myself to get out of bed and got to work on time today. It’s far from perfect, but little successes snowball fast. I have this app on my phone, Alarmy, that runs really annoying alarms that can only be turned off after completing missions (solving math problems, steps, etc.). I’m going to use it to make sure I get up on time tomorrow. Other than that, I need to find an app that will lock down my android phone’s browsers until later in the morning, as the urges leave once I get out of bed.
I’m determined to beat this.

-Kale

Day 3
One day of nofap complete! I didn’t wake up on time this morning, but I did manage to get out of bed before the urges got to me. It seems I can only have one victory or another, but tomorrow I’m going for both. Other than that, my day was slow but nice. I’m on break from college for this week, so my Tuesday and Thursday were completely free whereas I would usually be on campus. I’ve taken the time to relax and work on some projects. Today, I worked on a walking stick I’ve been making to replace my old one. I’ve been burning some designs into it, but I’m up to the point where there’s a bend in the staff so I’ll have to stop until I can straighten it. I’ve been desperately trying to keep myself busy to avoid both urges and thoughts of my ex. The breakup hit me harder than I thought it would, and whether I like it or not, my brain thinks it’s funny to shoot random memories and images of her at me while I’m idle. That’s not great, because A. It immediately pushes me towards a depressive state and my coping mechanisms as of late have been either fapping or cutting, and B. We were intimate so there are those memories rattling around in there too, which can trigger urges. It’s just a big mess, but I’m trying my best to work through it and learn from this experience what I can.
Tomorrow is a new day, I’ll try to make it a good one.

-Kale

Day 4
Another successful day of no PMO! I had work for most of the day which helped distract me, and when I got home I spent time with my family and cleaned up the house. Staying productive seems to be working, thankfully, so I’ll keep at it. With college starting back up next week I’ll be even more busy, which is great! I’m also working on building a shed for blacksmithing which ought to keep me occupied in my off time. All in all, things are starting to look up.
I just need to keep the momentum going.

-Kale

Day 5 - :white_check_mark:
Another day of keeping busy. I went with my dad to pick up the lumber for my smithing shed and started leveling out the foundation. Other than that, a lot of cleaning and menial tasks to keep my hands busy. But now, the feels are hitting me. Again. Not PMO stuff, just longing for a significant other to confide in and feel safe around. This has got to end soon or I’m gonna drive myself up a wall with these constant emotional breakdowns. Not to mention it’s making my mental state unstable, and that’s a path I’d rather not go down once more. Hopefully the victory of keeping off nofap is enough to offset the other emotions, at least until I’ve had time to process them and move on.
I just need to stay strong.

-Kale

Day 6 - :white_check_mark:
I’m still going strong! The urges have stopped entirely in the morning and throughout the day, but I know only too well that this is the calm before the storm. Usually around day 7, the urges come back with a vengeance, so I need to spend my time steeling myself for that onslaught. Other than that, the keep busy approach is working! I got the main beams concreted in the ground for my smithing shed, but I need to pick up more wood for the roof structure so that’s on hold. I also started a few other yard projects and cleaned the house again. I’m going back to school Tuesday, and while I’m nervous for what emotions going back to campus will evoke after the breakup, I’ve earnestly begun working on moving on and maybe facing that head on will help me.
Till morrow, good sirs and madames.

-Kale

Day 7
Streak - 5 :white_check_mark:
Thank goodness school is coming back, I was running out of things to do. I’m starting classes tomorrow, so I should have my hands pretty full even though I’m only taking calc 2. The urges are silent, as I expected, though I’m sure they’ll be hitting hard in the next few days. I’ve started hiking again, which helps clear my head of everything that’s going on in my life and gives me a few blessed minutes of sheer clarity. That and it gets me exercising, which is never bad.
Gotta get up early for school tomorrow, wish me luck!

-Kale

Day 8
Streak - 6 :white_check_mark:
My first day back in college went alright! I almost fell asleep in class, and I am in dire need of a refresher on all things math, but as long as I keep on top of it I’ll do alright. In that vein, I realized how easily sidetracked I get when I’m doing something I’d rather not do (homework). I had 44 math questions that I wanted to get done today and I just kept procrastinating. YouTube, cleaning, movies, you name it. I’ll have to find a way to lock down my study space tomorrow so there is no possible way for me to be distracted. No urges today, which is surprising. I think I’m too messed up over the breakup to be horny, which is a blessing in disguise :joy:. According the the very limited internet research I’ve done, it takes up to 6 months to get over a breakup, which is wild. I could barely stand walking around campus today. It was like every corner I turned, memories of me with her played before my very eyes. My mind loves to torture me, unfortunately. However, I’m meeting with my new therapist next week so hopefully she can help put this all behind me.
One day at a time.

-Kale

1 Like

Day 9
Streak - 7 :white_check_mark:
Made it through today, a few urges in the morning but other than that all is well! 1 week down, the rest of my life left to go.
I’m doing it!

-Kale

1 Like

Day 10
Streak - 8 :white_check_mark:

WOO! Almost lost it in the morning, stayed in bed too long because I woke up before my alarm. I’m going to try to get up earlier tomorrow to negate that. I also noticed I spent A LOT of time on Youtube today so I’m going to block it on all my devices to increase productivity.

-Kale

05/16
Streak - 0 :x:

HOLY SHIT!!! So for the last few days I fell into a downward spiral of depression which led to, but was not caused by, PMO. I’m trying to regain my footing not just on breaking this habit, but on life as I just kinda lost everything I’d been working towards. I’m meeting up with my new therapist on Thursday, and I really hope she can help me find my way through this mess and towards a brighter future.
I might have fallen, but I’m not even close to giving up!

-Kale

I might have fallen, but I’m not even close to giving up!

keep going Kale :smiley:

05/17
Streak - 0 :x:
Another day of overwhelming triggers. It’s harder to get out of bed than usual, mostly because all my routines are shattered. I will begin making a new bed routine so I can get better sleep. That way I’m in my bed less, which seems to be about the only place that I fall.

-Kale

1 Like

05/18
Streak - 0 :x:
Messed up again. At least I managed to do my nightly routine :sweat: I’m talking to my therapist tomorrow, so hopefully I’m able to sort through some things. I’m starting to fall into a depressive state again, which is not a place I want to be.

-Kale