I’ve been lurking here for over a year now, but have never posted before. That’s one of the key lessons that I’m learning at the moment - thinking through problems by yourself and not speaking about it to others will never get you very far, you need to reach out to those around you. I’m not sure why, but I believe that it’s something to do with how the brain works. We have evolved to be social animals, and it seems that there are certain challenges we cannot overcome alone, regardless of how capable we are…
In the beginning…
I started using porn when I was about 13 o 14. I don’t remember exactly how I got started, but I imagine I was just curious. For the first few years, I used porn to illustrate the fantasies I was having about girls I knew. Over time, the fantasies stopped, and porn became an end in itself.
I don’t know exactly when I became addicted, but what I do know is that when I was 16 and trying to have sex for the first time, I already had a pretty bad case of ED. I didn’t know what caused it at the time, and (ironically) found myself preferring the porn to sex, because it didn’t matter if I was struggling to perform.
Maybe I should quit?
I first started to think of quitting 3 or 4 years ago. I have a lot of female friends, am a feminist, and was pretty aware that porn was incompatible with who I wanted to be. At first I thought it was just a matter of willpower. Then I thought it was all about porn blockers. Then I thought the trick was to have more sex with my wife, or cure my depression (which started at about the same time as I began using porn), or take more exercise, or track my recovery.
I’m sorry to say that I failed at every one of these attempts. Each time I would start out motivated, keen and excited for the new me I would become, once I was clear of this horrible and destructive addiction. Each time I would become distracted by life, get tired or stressed, or simply become so aroused that I couldn’t resist anymore. Sometimes I would last a month, other times it was barely a day.
Where am I now?
I’m still struggling with this. Struggling terribly. Eventually I told my wife and my family, and since then I’ve spoken about it to a number of doctors and therapists. The thrust of the healing process seems to come down to the following steps:
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Understand clearly why porn is bad and why you want to give up
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Connect to other people who can support you when things get difficult (hence this post)
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Build a good life that meets the needs that you are trying to meet through porn, so that you no longer need it in your life.
This is easier said than done, and I write this just hours after my last relapse. Here are a couple of the problems I’m struggling to get past:
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As much as I hate porn and want to get away from it, there’s no way round the fact that it brings me pleasure. Lots of pleasure. It’s a fantastic source of instant gratification that I can’t get in any other way.
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When I use porn, my brain rewards me for doing so, even if I feel guilty afterwards. When I refrain from using porn, there is no reward.
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Because the porn reward is so great, nothing else I can do in my life can provide a good alternative. Porn or post a message here? Porn. Porn or go for a walk? Porn. Porn or phone a friend? Porn. I know that this is a short term issue caused by habit and brain chemistry, and that the balance of rewards will change when I get clear, but how to resist short term tangible pleasure for long term intangible happiness?
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My porn habit is so deeply ingrained that many of my relapses have been automatic. The reasoning and decision making parts of my brain get completely bypassed, which is deeply frustrating.
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A lot of the advice I find seems to be about better self care. I meditate twice a day every day (if my porn-free streak was anything like my meditation streak I’d be doing cartwheels of joy), get lots of exercise, eat healthily and sleep pretty well. I have a fulfilling career, a happy marriage and a generally fulfilling life. For some reason, there is something that porn gives me that none of these things do. I don’t know what it is or where else to get it.
In conclusion
This post is already far too long and rambling (sorry). I don’t know if I’m after practical tips here (though they are very welcome) or if I’m just hoping that talking to you guys (and girls) will help me gain some strength and motivation. I’ve done everything I can do to fix this by myself with no joy. Now I’m reaching out.