(18 F) Journey Through the Dark

Yeah, I think I will. I’ve been crying sporadically about it. I should probably just sit down and get it all out at once.

I haven’t been able to cry in months. Nothings truly touched me. I guess I’m so desensitized and empty that I have no emotions left :expressionless:

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Day 62:

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Wow this song is so awesome like it makes me feel better lol that’s in the song wow thx for sharing.

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Day 64

Honestly, just trying to survive. Feel like life would be better without me sometimes. Like I should just throw it in and be done with life. I don’t think my friends really care about me or accept the person I am. They’re just too nice to say it, except the one. I want to be dead to them sometimes so they don’t have to worry about me anymore. It would hurt me but would be better to them. But I want to be with my bf and family so death is not an option. It’s not what God wants for me either. I want to change who I am but can’t cause that’s not what He wants. Quite honestly I don’t know what I’m doing in life right now. But I have to trust in Him. Spent the morning reading a bunch of MO stories. I want to believe that I’m better than this, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if I am. But I don’t want this to be all I’ll ever be, so I have to try. If people don’t want to be friends with me or like who I am, there’s nothing I can do. Gotta life without them, I suppose. I wish I hadn’t done that this morning but I didn’t know what else to do. I was upset. Wanted comfort. That was a bad idea.
Tomorrow I won’t do that again. I’m going to be better. I’m going to be more focused on what God wants for me. I know I like being angry sometimes and don’t want to forgive, but I have to do what He wants me to and not what I want to. I will stop looking at garbage on the internet but I will hold people at an arm’s length now, except my family and bf. That’s as much of a compromise as I can make.

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I like this post. True that.

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Through nofap you’re going to the bright side of your life.You’re doing great and you’re improving your life.
“You’re not good enough, not needed by anyone”, that’s what devil wants you to think. We all make mistakes. God knows you, knows what are capabilities of people He created. He didn’t created us to be perfect but to improving ourselves everyday. He knows peoples weaknesses.
God see that you’re becoming better person.

Don’t think that bad about yourself. Try some affirmation before you go to sleep. Think for few minutes only about good things you did that day, or waht good happened to you. Think about your acheievements, about your how you’ve changed since nofap.

Be great, good luck :wink:

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Thank you @Hubinho for this advice. I needed to hear it.
I wish you luck as well. Be great.

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Day 65

I know I was writing in here what day I was at but I wasn’t really paying attention until now. Wow. 65 days. That’s impressive, for me at least. :sweat_smile: I think I had an unrecorded high streak of 68 days. I didn’t really count that because that was a guess. I just know there was a summer when I didn’t do it. Or the second half of the summer at least. Well, I am very glad to get to day 65. Only 25 days till 90 and then to infinity and beyond. I’m not afraid of relapsing, I just don’t because it’s counterproductive. If I do relapse though, I just think it’ll be a mistake and not a full-blown addiction relapse. Either way, excited to feel what it’ll be like on day 90 when dopamine wears off.

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Day 68-69

Well, I’m fighting something new. The urge to look at porn. This hasn’t happened before but now that I haven’t masturbated in a while I’m starting to feel kind of desperate. I have to keep reminding myself though that this is a sin that’s also going to affect my bf when he finds out. He doesn’t deserve a porn addict. Yesterday I looked at some sexy scenes on Netflix and that felt like porn enough to me. I wanted to look at the scenes or maybe find different ones again this morning, but I think I’ve talked myself out of it. I’ll have to keep fighting this new urge so it doesn’t take over my way of thinking.
Also, I started to think “I’m just getting to 90, then I can masturbate again.” I had to tell myself “no, I’ll get to day 2000, and if I’m still interested then I can” :sweat_smile:

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Sister you have worked so hard to get here, not many and people like myself ahve been able to reach there, we are still struggling.

One thing I can tell you is that, be alert from the triggers all the time and never ever think that, “one scene won’t do anything, or I am free now, I won’t get addicted”.

A few hours later or a few days later the scenes which you saw in Netflix might come back to disturb you.

My advice would be to avoid Netflix at all costs. Watch only those shows or animations which has mild or no nudity at all.

If you want to watch a show or a movie, search it’s name on google and write “parents guide” Besides the title. And it will give you how much and what type of violence and nudity and profanity is there in the what you going to watch.

Especially nudity should be none or mild(this is a red line which can easily trigger heavy addicts).

Also don’t focus each and everyday on nofap, always waiting for the urge to eliminate whenever it comes.

Live your life and forget pmo. Sure don’t forget you have to be on alert, but this part of our life is forever.

“We don’t give up and stop, we keep moving forward until we die.” Remember this and fix it in your brain.

And always think about this boy you said, to remind yourself of loyalty to him. This isn’t just about him, it’s about your respect and modesty and safeguarding it.

Take care and good luck on your journey.

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If you get time have it a watch might make you firm in your nofap journey Insha Allah

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Oof, that’s a sad story and definitely something to keep in mind. But I am glad she worked that out and left that life behind. Thank you for sharing that!

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Thank you for this advice! I will take it into consideration. I know this is bad and whenever I start to get the urge for MO or P I’ll just have to tell myself that my body is tricking me. In an attempt to forget about it, I don’t feel strong enough to leave NoFap, though. I’m not sure how I’ll do without almost daily writing down what I’m feeling and how to get through it.
I wish you luck on your journey and many long streaks!!

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Day 70

Welp, ended up looking at porn. Let me say it was the worst decision of my life. Prayed for a while after that that if I ever wanted to do it again that God would remind me why I shouldn’t and stop me. I want to say I will never do it again, but I can’t trust myself. I felt horrible afterwards and hope that I will not be doing that again. :person_facepalming:
It’s just my body tricking me. I don’t need PMO. I’m way smarter than this, and too good of a person to act this way.
Tonight and tomorrow I’m gonna remember that.
I really need to focus on using my mind, devices, and body for God’s glory instead of sin.

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Be cautious, remind yourself basics of nofap that work for you. Stop urges asap. Good luck :wink:

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Careful sister, remember that porn is designed to keep us trapped, its like everytime we go to porn, we tie a knot from a rope which is connected to porn. So the more we go, no matter even for a second, we make the knot more tight and more difficult to escape, because the people behind the porn industry have studied minds of people and designed porn that way to shackle us.

So all we need to do is stay away from it to save ourselves.

I say be cautious and careful next few days, because the more recent you’ve accessed porn, those scenes are fresh and keep playing in our subconscious mind.

Dont fall for the trap the next time, i hope and know you can overcome it.

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Thank you very much for your post and encouragement! I agree with you. I will be careful the next few days especially.

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Day 86

Thanks to all of my accountability partners who got me this far!!! Couldn’t have done it without you!!!
I will post again on day 90.
I am going to be posting less and less unless I relapse because I feel like I kicked this addiction and don’t really feel the need to check this app super often. I will check in every couple days for my accountability partners though. That mostly applies to @RADAUME and @Steph078 and @ChristianMan and @AoG7576 and @Fazlury right now. Just wanted to let you guys know.
Stay strong guys!!! I will do so too!!

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Its nice to read you.