[17 M] Rezboy247 "Hard Mode" journal

Diary
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#201

Day 5
July 15, 2020

I feel great. I feel alive. I’m happy. I thank God that I didn’t relapse the past few days since those were the days I used to relapse. Even though I felt depressed on days 2 and 3 I didn’t use that as an excuse to relapse like I used to. I’m not gonna lie to you guys/girls, it’s been a battle every single day since I last relapsed. It wasn’t easy at all. I was going through some personal problems that I didn’t tell anyone about, not even you guys. But I’m glad to say I’m better than ever now that I dealt with that personal problem head on.

Today i didn’t get a lot of sleep so I didn’t really feel great during the morning. My stomach also hurt, probably from pushing myself so hard last night lol. So I ate some food and it felt a little better. Recently I’ve been super interested in producing music so I spent a lot of the day researching. I’ve always wanted to make some type of music but I was never super confident in myself back then, but now I feel like it’s a possibility. It’s another way to express myself so I think it’s a very good hobby to have even if I don’t make a lot of money from it, but you never know lol.

In the middle of the day my parents invited me to do a workout with them so I decided to go through with it. I had no intention of working out today because I felt like trash but I basically forced myself to go through with it. It was an intense 20 minute Tabata workout with a half mile run at the end of it. It was tough. But I pushed myself past my limits. I feel so good when it comes to working out recently, maybe it’s because I haven’t done it in awhile? I just know that I feel great afterwards. It’s been hard to not smile lately lol so I’m super happy about that.

5 Likes
#202

Also, I just finished my class with a passing grade!!! I now have some free time since I have no classes currently. But I’ll use that extra time for productivity!

2 Likes
#203

Day 8
July 18, 2020

It’s been awhile since I’ve updated you guys so that’s why I’m uploading this in the morning rather than later in the day lol. I’ve been doing great recently. I’m truly happy with myself and my life. It’s a great feeling that I don’t experience too often. I feel like I have also been more talkative and energetic and I’m not sure if it’s because of no fap or if it’s something else.

Like I said the post before, I finished my class! This means that I have so much more free time during the day. Believe it or not, I haven’t had an urge to watch porn ever since I finished my class. That’s also the time I started getting into making music. I spent basically all my free time into researching, listening to music that inspires me, and actually practicing. I’m really liking it so far, it’s a way for me to express myself and I love it. It’s also very relaxing and I feel like I can put my full focus on it when I’m in the process of making music, which is pretty rare for me. I’m getting excited just talking about it lol.

Also, I feel super confident in myself. I’m usually pretty bad when it comes to self confidence and believing in myself, but the past few days I’ve had this huge boost of confidence. Like when I talk to people, I have been carrying the conversation and have been making the people around me laugh more than ever. I just feel great, and it’s hard to put my feelings into text if that makes sense.

5 Likes
#204

Great that you’re feeling better!

I felt great for the past few weeks, and I remember reading your post about your struggles and feeling bad, and I thought to myself “How could anyone feel that way? Life is great!”. Now I’m in a big slump with low energy and low motivation. I don’t think the hot and humid (I had to think for 30 seconds to find this word) weather isn’t helping either.

Coincidentally, I’ve been watching YouTube / using Instagram again since two days, which is when my dip started.

I’m happy that I’m helping my mom in the house today, as she’s moving the furniture (again :p).
Even though it is physically/mentally difficult for me to keep going.

If you make the best of your time while you feel great, I’ll make the best of my time while I’m feeling like shit!

Take care

3 Likes
#205

@Attempt_Two_Electric_Boogaloo
It really is strange how quickly things could change. The same thing happens to me, it’s almost like a cycle lol.

Social media definitely does affect me when it comes to productivity because all I want to do is still through them all day lol. I deleted Instagram and now I’m working on getting rid of YouTube but it is hard.

I feel like you should push even harder when you run low on motivation/will power. Trust me, it’s easier said than done lol. But it’s good that you’re helping your mom because hopefully it will give you a boost in the right direction!

God bless!

2 Likes
#206

Your efforts and hardwork is expressing in your posts, you were miserable, unmotivated a few days back but now you’re rocking
Keep that momentum and move forward on life. Hope you become a great boxer, I’m not a fan of sports but I’d love to watch you win the championships :wink:

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#207

Thanks @Deadpoolgupta !! I’ll be sure to not let you guys down!

1 Like
#208

Day 9
July 19, 2020

It’s crazy to see such a high number on my day counter. I honestly haven’t been counting the days and instead I’ve just been living in the moment, not worrying about anything. I’m still super happy. It’s been awhile since I’ve been consistently happy, but I’m not complaining lol. I haven’t been texting a lot of people, but I might hangout with some people next week so that’s fun. I’m not really looking for a relationship or anything like that but whatever happens happens lol. I doubt I’ll catch feelings with anyone though because I’ve been focusing on myself ever since my old crush became distant with me.

Also, I’ve had zero urges to go back to my old ways of pmo. Which is amazing! I have a feeling that I’m never going to relapse again. I made that mistake last time at day 38, but I will not repeat my mistake of relapsing.

I haven’t made a beat yet but I’m going to try and make one right now. I just need to be more consistent with it, that’s the only way I’ll get better at making music.

Also, sorry about changing my pfp so much :sweat_smile:

4 Likes
#209

:stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile::sweat_smile:

1 Like
#210

Exactly!
During all my best streaks I never counted the days…Just occasionally check my streak once in a while to enjoy the process and progress.
Trust the process bro. And don’t forget to enjoy it :slight_smile:

3 Likes
#211

Day 13
July 23, 2020

Sorry I haven’t been updating you guys recently, I have been kind of distant with this app, which I see as progress. I’ve been having urges here and there but they are nothing compared to the urges I was getting on my last streak. It seems like these 13 days have been going by so fast. But like @Ash_Matt said,

I’ve been enjoying every second of it!! It’s almost like I’m already seeing some benefits of no fap at an early stage. I’ve just been living my best life.

I feel as if music played a huge role in my recent happiness. I got these new speakers for my room and I’ve been listening to some of my favorite music while in my room. Which almost always puts me in a better mood.

Also, I hung out with a girl I used to like not too long ago, and I really enjoyed it. There was no awkward pauses or stuttering, and my voice did not go up an octave (higher pitch) like it usually does when I talk to someone pretty. I feel better than ever honestly. I’m going to hangout with someone else today too and just have a good time.

4 Likes
#212

Day 14
Friday, July 24 2020

I’ve had zero urges at all recently. I’m not sure how or why, but I’m glad it’s happening. I feel like I don’t have time to even think about fapping because I’m so busy with hanging out with family and making music that it’s just not on my mind at all. That’s why I haven’t been updating you guys as frequently as I used to. I do occasionally check in with everyone that helped me along the way and I get so happy to see how far they have come. You are all strong for trying to get rid of this addiction. It’s the most difficult thing you could do for yourself, but in the end it’s all worth it. Conquer this, and you can achieve anything in life. I truly believe that.

On another note, probably no one knows about a rapper named logic. But he just released his final album ever today. I’ve been listening to his music for 5 whole years and watched him progress as a person and a musician. I remember first stumbling across his music and falling in love with it. I even went to go see him live in Las Vegas. I was almost brought to tears because he was so close. He was and still is someone I look up to. My role model. He made me the person I am today and I’m proud to say that. He decided this will be his final album because he now has everything he’s every dreamed of having which is a wife, son, and loving friends. He felt as if he achieved happiness within himself through everything he has been through. Logic was dealt a bad hand in life, but he somehow overcame the odds and started making millions of dollars doing what he loves. And after a period of time, he realized that he finally made his dream a reality. His dad was never there for him as a kid so he always knew his purpose in life was to be the best dad for his son. And now he’s able to do that because he took a risk to follow his dreams. Logic is a big part of me as a person so that’s why I wrote so much about him. I’m sad he’s done making music, but I’m glad he has found true happiness after going through so much as a kid. This gives me hope to follow my dreams and make it become reality. #Rattpack

5 Likes
#213

I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m seriously done watching porn. No matter what. I’ve never been more sure than I am now about never watching porn again. The benefits are literally life changing so I would be stupid to go back to my old ways. This is only the beginning of a greater future for myself, and the people I’m closest with like my family. No matter how strong the urges are, I will never succumb to it. I’m forever done with porn and just saying that makes me so happy. I woke up smiling this morning because I realized how much better this addiction has gotten and it’s all thanks to you guys :grin: . Before this app, I would only be able to go 4 to 7 days minimum. But now it’s almost as if porn isn’t even something I would want to spend my time looking at. So I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that helped me through the easy and hard times. I am forever grateful.

6 Likes
#214

You’re doing well brother. Keep going! We’ll all reach our full potential soon. Our story will be one worth writing about, how we overcame adversity and became something so rare in this world nowadays. Real men.

3 Likes
#215

Day 16
Sunday, July 26 2020

Today I had a couple small urges, but I was never close to relapsing at all. I had spent my day listening to music and watching YouTube which isn’t productive at all. For the past few days, my toe/toenail has been hurting so bad. This means I’m not able to run or box at all for the time being and it sucks. I’ll do some intense and workouts as soon as I’m done typing this, so that I’m not using it as an excuse to do nothing all day.

Throughout the day my toe has been really hurting so I wasn’t in the best mood ever, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna resort to porn so that I can have 5 seconds of fake pleasure. I’m a man. I can handle discomfort.

I’m thinking about replacing YouTube with Anime. I feel like I’ve been on YouTube a lot ever since I last relapsed and I want to go back to the way I was. Which was no YouTube, only a little bit of anime. I might try it when my toe is fully healed.

4 Likes
#216

Great to hear you’re doing good bro, but I want to stress something to you. From my personal experience I’ve also had these moments of bliss after a relapse where I think I’ve won it because I don’t have any urges or have very few. Once that initial period of no urges went away and my cravings came back I was screwed because I wasn’t expecting it. I just thought I had everything under control because of the intial dead period of no urges at all.

I want you to not fall like that. I’ve fallen so many times like that because I was just unprepared for the strength of the urges that came. So, I recommend you practice whatever method you have to fight off urges everyday for at least 5 minutes. Just so you stay prepared and your brain becomes stronger in the part of the brain that elicits self-control. And if you do not have a method here is one that’s been working for me. When you look at your life as a story it uses the part of the brain called the striatum which is weak in addicts. This part of the brain brings back to ability to have self-control. For addicts we have a present focused brain, “I need the now pleasure,” and it’s almost impossible to not focus on the now pleasure unless we strengthen the straitum. The striatum helps us look at the past present and future which helps us focus on later goals more and not value the “now pleasure.” There is a great video about what I’m talking about from a neuroscientist and former addict. He talks about how the willpower method doesn’t work with scientific proof and how there is another method which does. I’ll link it here, it’s a bit long but it’s definitely worth the watch. Anyways, best of luck man and God bless. :slight_smile:

2 Likes
#217

Hey thanks @Sacred , I feel as if this is exactly how my last streak went last time. I didn’t have any urges up untill day 25-35. I remember it was miserable because I wasn’t ready for it. I mostly used running/boxing as a way for my to try and suppress the non-stop urges. Which worked, right up untill I lost focus of why I started. I forgot what was pushing me forward and started to reminisce about the times I used to watch porn. It’s almost like I became someone else on day 38 of my last streak. I knew what I was doing and that it was the opposite of what I wanted. But even then I lost focus of everything around me except those 5 seconds of fake lust through a screen. So moral of the story, find something you’re passionate about and never lose focus of it.

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#218

Yes very true that is a key to beating this addiction. Having a passionate goal is powerful. Having this insight that you do will be really beneficial for you bro. Good luck, God bless, and keep on fighting!

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#219

I liked your approach of handling the problem. Thats the best way.

That’s awesome bro. Wish you all the best for that.
And Workout with parents! Thats great.

The success is on the other side of comfort zone. So keep pushing hard.

All the best!

1 Like
#220

Yeah It’s definitely the hardest, but it’s the most affective for sure.

Thanks man! I’ve been trying super hard and I’ve made some beats and melodies that I’m proud of! But yeah I’ve been struggling with really pushing myself out of my comfort zone since I’m stuck at home all day because of Corona. But what I’m going to do is try to workout every day. Even if it’s something small. So thanks @JumpingBuddha !

1 Like