[17 M] Making this a new diary (2004 diary)

Relapses again. Now i feel bad. Super weak. Woke up in the middle of the night with a huge urge. Didnt even try to control it just went and fapped. I feel stupid. I only was 8 hours free. How am i supposed to keep a streak now when im demotivated? How do i get motivated again?

What’s your WHY?
Why are you doing Nofap. What’s your purpose of doing it?
State that.
It should be not a general line, like improving my life, better grades…getting a gf…NO…

It should be a specific one sentence purpose.
Decide your WHY.

If you already have it repeat it everyday. Hammer it into your subconscious so that even in the middle of sleep, if I wake you up, you should remember that WHY.

Only by that you can move forward in this journey because whenever the urges hit hard, your purpose will stand tough.

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You can read this. Again and again.

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Relapsed a third time. I started telling myself that my life was worthless in my head automatically and then i just watched and fapped. Idk why im such a pessimist but I’ve always been one by default. My mindset is just negative and i teally struggle with seeing the brighter side. All i see is failure. October starting off shitty already. I just want to change.

you are not alone. and there are many who made their way out of it. The snap I gave you comes from one of those people

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The one who does nothing - never fails.
The one who has no goals - never loses
But is this a right path? I bet you’re shaking your head now.
You are going to fail time to time, most probably. And that is ok. Majority of us had or still have this stage. I think it would be easier to just accept to yourself that there will be days, that you’ll be caught by your urges. And again - it’s normal process. You aren’t a switch and there is no “off” and “on” mode. I know it would be easier if it was. But you would skip the growing part. So, relax, calm down. Everything is fine with you. Don’t get discouraged. Just forgive to yourself for this failure, try to think how could you calm yourself down after the relapse to avoid that loop in the future, that is draining. And keep going.
I know you can. You did 5 days and this is only the beginning!

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Yesterday was hellish. I was angry the entire day. I skipped classes and didnt talk to many people. Some girl reached out to me and asked how i was doing though. I’ve known her for a long time so it felt good to have a short conversation with someone i was comfortable with. I appreciated the check in. Wish i could talk with her more she seems chill, but i dont see her much. Hopefully we can talk before my senior year is over. I also made a pack of beats yesterday. That was the most productive thing i did. I was proud. One beat hit me really hard in the feels and i shed a tear. It connected with me idk sometimes that happens. You watch a movie or read a book or manga and it rly hits you. Even if ur numb from pmo you still get emotional. I experienced that it was just rly nice. Anyways I’ve once again remained free from pmo for 24 hours. Wanna thank the people that helped me yesterday after the relapses. I was really bummed out and the comments you left were godsends. Thank you so much.

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Relapsed one day and seven hours in. Was talking to my gf got turned on and turned to softcore porn. I wasnt thinking at all and it was extremely stupid of me. Once again im back at the starting line.

Relapsed again. I dont have anything to say.

If you are talking to your girlfriend about "spicy " things, you should cut that topic down

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dont take tension tell your girlfriend you did it

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Overall the week went well but ended horribly. I got the will to continue on my journey away from pmo, but fell back. I’ve been waiting for a reason to quit pmo, instead of searching one out myself. This is what i will do next week. Not much exercise done. Only meditated today but not long enough to have any effect on my mindset. 5 days is not bad. But i relapsed a total of 5 times this week. That cancels out my streak or maybe does worse. Your words were a big help so again i thank all of you. I need to go 6 days or at least 5 again. I also need to get two meditation sessions in next week. Finally i need to get morw calisthenics in next week. Every other day maybe. I will do my best to make my future self’s job easier. I’ll be back to journal soon.

P.S: I’ve done a lot of class skipping, so my grades are probably shit. I’m gonna make time for schoolwork. I also stopped doing laundry and ran out of clothes. So I’ll do that. I also need money. I really dont like social interaction bc of the social anxiety but a job is the only way to get cash. Most of the jobs hiring are restaurants jobs and the restaurants arent great ones. If u have any advive for finding work with social anxiety please let me know. Thanks.

Week starting off rough with yet another relapse. Extremely dissappinted. I peeked and orgsdmer.

I think I feel your desperation again… it was away during those 5 days.
Maybe try to think that every new day will bring you temptation. Don’t think “I will have no urges”, rather “I will have urges for sure”. And spot those moments when you only START to feel the temptation. Acknowledge to yourself that it’s here, and you were right that it shall occur. You kinda won! It didn’t catch you unprepared. And now don’t act on your urge. Just interupt that habit loop. Count backwards and go out to do something else, better something physical. Or eat something. Or call someone. Or run. Or do some kind of exercises. Better with music. And sing along! Don’t leave empty space to your brain. At least in the beginning.
P.S. and don’t skip classes. Don’t bury your future.

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Relapsed. Was so close to a day. Gave in too early peeked and all.

Relapsed. I was able to go a day. I peeked on youtube and looked at porn ans relapsed. I felt so stupid. Im really pissed at myself rn. Glad i was able to go a day, but extremely pissed that i fell back again.

This always happens after a decent streak. Its like i do fine and then i crash back down. Idk its really got me stressed out. Everything is bad. No clothes, no job, 2 d’s, and i cant break these habits I’ve made. Fuck me man I’ve screwed up

Just get up. There is no other (better) thing you could do.

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9 hours in i fell back again. I havent felt any positive enotion today so that may be why. Im not in a fighting spirit currently. I need to get into one but feel bitchy right now. Like a little girl. I keep letting myself and other ppl down. Eventually there will be nobody left but me. And I’ll truly be in regret. I dont want to lose my support but its like it gets harder and harder to get back up. Im like paper right now. Weak. Im a crybaby right now a quitter. I just don’t know

I’ve relapsed 3 times this morning. All i grel like doing is complaining. Edged and peeked all three times. Not a single day of soberity in october. I feel horrible. My hamds are shaking and im depressed. Im a loset im an asshole, im so many bad things. Dragging a lot of ppl with me that i constantly let down. Ik they are tired of me. Tired of helping a baby. I feel weak. Like the slightest punch could shatter my arm. Face is tense. Lips dry. Heart was beating at an irregular rate and I’ve had this neck pain for so long. Im killing myself softly. Fuck this. I don’t even wanna go to school. For some reason my gf still loves me despite me being like this. I still have friends and all. I dont deserve any of this. I dont. Im still a kid that cant get his shit together and doesnt listen. Bc im always right and i hate it. Idk how to change this mindset. I might actually end it. This has been too much on my brain for so lonh