[17 M] Making this a new diary (2004 diary)

Failed all of you. I couldnt last. I find things to fap to even when not on the phone. Books, thoughts, im extremely addicted. Like rly bad. I’ve learned a lot of shit being the scum of the earth but i cant even apply it bc im too damn addicted. I have no room to complain yet its all i want to do. Bc im not a man. Im not a boy. Im not a woman or a girl. Im a baby. All i do is whine and complain and cling to the things i think are my support. I cant be independent. Fapping has made me a horrible yet wiser person. Wise doesnt mean intelligent though. I havent been happy this month. I havent smiled. Guys im 17 and already I’m fucked up. I look good, yet im so fucked up. Athletic build and all. Good grades, good reputatiom, yet i have such a nasty secret. My family has no respect for me. People just feel sorry. I’ve seen the benefits of this. Around 3p days i had an eye exam and my vision slightly improved. I was happy. I laughed and all. That was incredible. Now everything is bad. I fake emotions. I lay in bed. I eat junk. I procrastinate. Chores don’t get done. I barely have enough clothes to live. Im jobless. I’ve quit at everything. I am nothing now. Practically an empty vessel rolling along an endless road of frozen concrete. This is hell. This is rock bottom. Feels like my legs cant support my upper body. My dick gets smaller and smaller. My head feels heavy. My pelvis hurts. My gerd worsens. My body loses nutrients. Protien ive lost thousands of mg. Might even be tens of thousands now. Now telling how long it takes to recover it all. I dont know and i dont care. I just want to be happy guys. I have a girl in the Philippines. We hit a year next month. I hope to visit her in the future. I dont want to show up as the man that faps several times in a day. I want to show up as Antonio, the well rounded individual that i really am. Guys i am a remarkable person. I do so many things. Beats, photoshop, calisthenics, video editing, writing, reading, and more. This fapping though it makes me forget. I want to remember. I want to be a man. I’ve let you all down so many times. This makes me feel guilty because although we are not in the same place, we all are brothers with a common goal. And to be told the same thing over and over only to be ignorant and fap more is disrespectful to all of you. Its shitty and every time i do it i feel worse and worse. It feels like o cant stop. I dont want to quit. Im going to keep pushing. But guys these fallbacks are taking a toll on me. Thats all from me. Maybe this is uust post nut clarity talking, but i feel like i mean everything said here so i doubt its just clarity. Good luck to you all. I hope i can catch up soon.

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Hey, please try to motivate yourself.

You did the right thing, sharing how you felt.

When I was deep in hell, there is only one quote that helped me come out of the pit. No matter how tough the past, you can always start again - Buddha.

Do not give up. :dove: :dove:

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Gonna read easypeasy again and come up with a gameplan for fighting urges. Been moping around for too long. I have to do something or else I’ll stay down. I’ll be back to update soon

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Bro, Im going to be honest, I think u sound like a jerk, how can you be remarkable without a work and whining all the time?
Stop talking about who you are, and let facts define you, if u don t have inner peace you re in the rat race bro, face it, its better being humble than remarkable.

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You’re right im sorry. I was questioning sayinf remarkable knowing that i didnt rly believe that anyways. I also dont have a lick of inner peace. Havent donr any spiritual practice. Im atrainwreck

Never wait for confidence to come, start doing and as you see your work you ll be confident :blush:

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Relapsed. 1:47 am. Failed to make any type of gameplan before and i edged and peeked until i broke. Youtube was the biggest culprit. I need to stop bc the suicidal thoughts really amplify after these relapses. Who’s to say what’ll happen after the next. I might actually act on a thought. Next thing you know I’ll be out early. I dont want that to happen though. No more YouTube no more tiktok. I’m sorry for failing you all and im sorry for failing myself again.

I’ve relapsed again. This time to Instagram. Feels like i just search and search. My urges are so hard to control. Why are they so strong? The detox just makes me want to fap more its crazy. This is an important day and I’ve already failed twice. I have to help family and i have an interview. Fuck my life man

I don’t know, honestly, what could help you. I have doubts there is a magic formula or "one button " push exit. And might be copying other people may not be helpful as well, because you will pretend to be someone who you aren’t at your core. And honestly, I don’t think pretending lasts long… Reading your thoughts I smell desperation. Desperation won’t help you, and, well, you should know this by far. I would suggest you not to dramatise when you act on your urges. Better laugh at yourself a little “oh, I did it again, ah, I was fooled again so easily!”. Take it easy, don’t get so serious. Treat this thing as any other illness. What happens when you catch a cold? You don’t act on yourself harsh, you just accept the illness and try to recover. Please, don’t dramatise, don’t get too emotional. I know it’s hard to accept failure, but you need time to heal. And efforts as well of course. But don’t think you’re unworthy human being because of this illness you have. It doesn’t define you. And you know what? You ARE remarkable behind your addiction! Your Enemy wants you to think you’re unworthy, failure, terrible and most important- hopeless. But you aren’t!
I would suggest for you try to find Matt Frad on Youtube, maybe enter “Matt Frad Porn” or Jason Evert (this guy is fun to listen!) maybe try this Jason Evert: Love Matters - YouTube and look how do you like it.
Maybe try to do one little thing everyday that requires some of your willpower, but not too much. It shouldn’t be associated with your problem. Some thing aside. And focus on this one little work everyday. If you relapse, don’t worry, just try to get done that one little thing everyday. Try to keep this schedule for 2 weeks. Observe what is happening, what do you feel doing this thing, when you don’t want to do it, when it is easier to do and similar stuff. Try to find yourself again. You have many great traits, you just didn’t water them properly lately :slight_smile:

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I’ve finally been free for a day. Although nothing beneficial has started aside from the weaknesss being gone, i feel good. Satisfied lol was able to stay busy yesterday. I was gonna get a job but i decided to just enjoy my senior year without one. I’ll do side jobs and get pocket change. I havent worked out in 3 days i gotta do that. I havent meditated in about a week so i should do that. Good start to the week. I’ll update tomorrow.

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Yesterday was nice. Talked a lot to my family and played games. The most productive things I did was help move the washer and dryer and make music. Was able to resist urges the entire day, though sometimes it got really hard. Not much to do today aside from school. I’ll try to enjoy myself.

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I hope you’ll be able to keep your inner peace. Really, don’t get frustrated and don’t think it’s life or death, life or death, because deep inside we all know, that more probably it will be death, and it gets even worse, as were are waiting for that “death” moment. It’s like the killer is in your flat, but wandering around searching your room… so, stay calm, and take it easy. You’re going to be fine :slightly_smiling_face:

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Thank you for all the support you’ve given I really appreciate you

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Yesterday i wasnt too busy but i got some studying in and made a beat. The morning came and urges hit extremely hard but i was able to beat them without any peeking. Very satisfying feeling. Still havent meditated or exercised. Got some cashews bc i read up and its helped a lot of ppl on nofap. So yeah things are looking good.

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Yesterday was stressful but only because I let my mind get the most of me. It was full of negativity and i couldnt stop spitting out negative words. It’s like i was doing it on autopilot. This is something thats been happening since sophmore year. My therapist told me to use a rubber band for whenever i get the negative thoughts. Wasn’t productive yesterday either. Still no exercise or meditation. I opened youtube this morning and peeked at a fitness girl i watched and some chick on instagram but not for longer than a minute. I wont let that happen again. No m or o though so im on 4 days

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Yesterday was another fight with my negativity. Used the rubber band and honestly it didnt help much but it did look concerning to other people. I finally exercised yesterday. 120 mountain climbers and 150 bodu weight calf raises. That was alright. No peeking and the urges were okay. 5 days in.

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Keep fighting bro… and do not give up… never give up… :dove: :muscle:

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Got u bro i wont stop wanna move as far away as I can

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It’s a lot! And it’s great! I bet there are many people who started barely surviving 2 or 3 days, and now are on their 90, 100, 200 and 500 and even more days! It just need time to grow the muscles, but it’s doable! I like your spirit and emotion now! Be not afraid!

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After a 5 day streak I’ve relapsed. I got too comfortable. First i peeked, then edged, and it led to an orgasm. I was super stressed at the time i began to edge. I’ll make sure to meditate more often. I will also try harder not to peek. I’m not depressed or anything, pretty happy that i made it to 5 days. I don’t really have any other recovery methods for post relapse so please give me some if you have any. I’ll do better guys. I wanna apologize to you all and myself about the fallback.