Okay, so after being on the forum for nearly 20 days I have mustered up the courage to share my past. (Disclaimer: there can be triggering content )
I was 11 when my friend had already started watching p. I was in 6th (2017) he was always going on and on about the sex positions and how people move like animals. That time I didn’t know anything + I was not interested in that stuff so I ignored it. He also said, “Aw man what do I tell you I don’t know what to do, my d* just goes up and I feel all good.” I was like ‘ew’ at that time.
Then a year later when I changed schools, I got some new friends but they were worse than the previous of them. Out of nearly 20, 17 of them watched p. I already knew all the slang terms and all of that but I never thought of what it meant. One day that exact thought dropped my mind and I don’t know why I kept pondering over it. That day I first searched for the word ‘SEX’. I was shocked and stunned to see all the images of d* in mouths and d* in ‘holes’.
I could not resist scrolling down and down and down.
I hid it from my parents and haven’t told them even now… I’m scared to tell them and will not until for a year or so…
I remembered my friends words, ‘d* goes all up’. It was happening to me. I kept on searching for images and deleting the history every time I searched for it, for nearly a whole year.
Then I searched for hentai and then on sibling porn. I thought that siblings could do all the stuff as they showed in the videos. I didn’t realize that I was just a supporter for the p industry. I also used to prone masturbate to feel better. (its crazy how I did it on my own without watching any videos)
Soon enough when I hit 14, I learnt about masturbation and started to masturbate. I know it’s a very young age but yes… it flowed out. I did this for nearly six months when I first felt like, “Something off about me.”
I used to have sexual thoughts even about my own cousins and neighbors (I didn’t want to write this. I feel terrible)
Finally, I went incognito and searched for ‘I masturbate with my dick on the floor mostly, and is that bad…’ I literally couldn’t move for 2-3 minutes on seeing that what I was doing for 2 years was dangerously hazardous… I soon enough started having more sexual related questions like, “Is masturbation bad?” The search results struck me hard and I watched videos on how to stop masturbation. That was how I discovered NOFAP . It was nearly Dec 2020 when I really got serious about stopping masturbation and porn.
I’ve been struggling since.
I know I have acted shamelessly, but I have accepted it and made up my mind to move forward. I wish to be free and I’ve started acting upon it… I really don’t know when or how I will relapse again but I will try my best to get out of this.
And thank you if you read till the end.